Remember that Enneagram thing I mentioned in a previous post? The Enneagram is a tool to help understand how we see the world and to better understand how others see it. There are nine different types each with a myriad of possible subtypes, but today we are going to focus on Eights and Fives. Why? Because Eights are the best number on the Enneagram and I happen to be an Eight. The worst number has to be a Five. Ok, not the worst, but definitely one of the hardest numbers to be with in a close relationship (BTW, no number is better than another and it is so Eight of me to pretend otherwise). Steve is a Five. What does this mean? We both perceive the world very differently. Here's a brief summary of each taken from the book, The Path Between Us, by Suzanne Stabile:
EightsThey are called the Boss or Challenger. They are independent thinkers who tend to see everything in extremes: good or bad, right or wrong, friend or foe. Anger is their emotion of choice, but it doesn't last long. While Eights don't invite forthrightness, they want and respect it. Their focus is outside of themselves and they are always for the underdog. Eights are passionate! They have more energy than any number, giving everything they have to what they are doing or what they believe in, and engaging most with people who are willing to go all out.
FivesThey are called Observers or Investigators. Fives want adequate resources so they never have to depend on someone else. They are the most emotionally detached of all the numbers. This kind of detachment means that they can have a feeling and let it go. They manage fear by gathering information and knowledge. Fives have a limited, measured amount of energy for every day so they are careful about what they offer to others and when. It is extremely brave of them to show up for relationships because it costs them more than any other number.See any potential problems there? Ha! The biggest challenge is that an Eight is very forthright with how they see things and expects the same in others (even though no other number operates that way) while a Five is very private and keeps most thoughts and feelings to themselves, especially if challenged. So...what does all of this have to do with anything?
For the past few years I have had two marriages. The one that was being acted out in front of me and the one that lived in my mind. I was dissatisfied with my life and cast that interpretation onto Steve. He wasn't communicating anything different, so I figured I was right and went down the mental path of him leaving me at some point, probably when Wrigley was grown and gone. This caused me to see our marriage as very fragile, so if a problem arose, I tried to minimize its impact on Steve. I wouldn't tell him things that bothered me and slowly started closing off more and more doors in preparation for the storm brewing in my head. At the same time, he had no idea any of this was going on in my head because on the surface, everything seemed ok. The silence continued because from his perspective, if there was a problem, I'd be making him aware of it. I created a narrative in my head for his thoughts and feelings based on the lack of communication I was getting from him because if he had feelings, he'd be making me aware of it. Right?
Wrong. After my EMDR therapy, a lot of stuff came up that revealed issues in our marriage that we needed help resolving. My sweet friend who helped with therapy for me, connected us with an amazing marriage counsellor who has seen us for almost a year pro bono. It has been sooooo good for us! There is a big difference between going to counseling to check a box saying you tried before getting a divorce, and going before huge problems occur with an effort to truly improve the marriage. It gave Steve a safe space to talk and the counsellors poignant questions helped me hear what he was really saying. During this time, Steve wrote me a song explaining how he felt about me and I got to share my fears with him. Some really beautiful revelations came out of this time and showed me that we are each strong people and we are even stronger together. I needed to let my faith be bigger than my fear because he wasn't going anywhere and didn't even want to. What a burden lifted!
For almost our entire marriage, I felt grateful to Steve because I didn't see anything valuable in me (another Enneagram lesson here, Fives are so carefully guarded that they only enter into relationships with people they deem very special and valuable. It is a huge honor to be the person a Five has chosen to be their partner). Combine that with feeling like a burden in general and I was just waiting for him to realize how much better he could do. When I started to feel better about myself I was getting more resentful of his weaknesses. Counseling gave me an outlet to express this without fear of him being destroyed and leaving. He felt safe to unleash twenty year frustrations out on me. We finally had it out and realized (thanks to the Enneagram) how different we are and how wonderful that can be.
After my gallbladder surgery the counsellor asked how we both felt about the outcome. We were both scared I wouldn't come out of the surgery alive. I was terrified to go under anesthesia for the first time. He had a moment of panic when my surgery lasted almost three times as long as it should have. It was hard. She asked me what it felt like for Steve to be there taking care of me. My lame answer was that he did what I expected. It wasn't anything miraculous that he was with me at the hospital and helped me. He's my husband. Where else would he be with his wife having surgery? If you love someone, you're there for them. That's the key. I thought I didn't trust his love for me, but when things got hard, he came through, and I expected him to. The thought never occurred to me that he wouldn't be there every step of the way because I knew how much he loved me. And even with his need for independence and to never rely on anyone, he knew he needed me to wake up because he needed me. At the end of the day, I just wanted to be needed and loved. I always was. Nothing had changed except my perception.
We can't always change our circumstance, but we can always change how we see it. We all see the world differently which means there are many ways to see it. If you are dissatisfied with your life, take steps to change it. If that doesn't work, maybe you're looking at it through the wrong lens. Ask God to give you eyes to see yourself and others the way he does. Man's vision is distorted, but we can always trust His.
Tomorrow is my surgery. I'm about 98% excited and 2% nervous. I still have more to tell about this journey, but I also want to include more real-time posts because this blog is mostly about the weight loss surgery experience. This story is almost done, and the ending blows me away. I am awestruck by the way God has used this surgery to bind up all my life-long struggles and set me free.
But that's another story, for another post. 😉
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