A season of pure joy

I can think of three distinct times in my adult life where I felt complete and pure joy.

1. Valentine's Day, 1998 when Steve sent me flowers and became my boyfriend
2. November 21, 2009 when Wrigley was born alive and well
3. July 2018  when for the first time in my life I feel like I finally caught a break

The joy I'm talking about is that long-lasting feeling of contentment, awe and wonder.  That feeling that you are winning at life and in this moment, nothing can bring you down.  I have been riding this high for almost a month now and it's been soooooo good for my soul!  To understand this level of joy, you have to understand the pain and suffering that preceded it.  I often say "without the bitter, the sweet isn't as sweet." There has been a lot of bitter over the last 40 years, but I'm just going to focus on the last few right now.  In my mind, I see a timeline that looks like a treasure map consisting of stops along the way that got me to this point.

The first direct link appears to start in March 2014.  My best friend was undergoing a tremendous weight loss and overhaul of her family's health (she is hardcore y'all...she lost over 100 pounds though no formal plan just common sense nutrition, exercise, and a lot of hard work) and she and I along with another friend began a Bible study based on Lysa TerKeurst's book, Made to Crave.  It was so good, my mom and sister started reading it with us too. This study showed me how important my food issues were to God and how I had turned food into an idol.  Once you hear that your relationship with food is a stumbling block to your relationship with God, you have to make some serious changes.  I realized that I was so out of control that junk food held a higher priority in my heart than being fully alive for my son.  By saying that I couldn't control myself with a bag of BBQ potato chips, I was sending the message that I loved those chips more than him.  Wow.  That cuts deep.  I lost a little weight during that study, but mostly it made over my heart and it convicted me that I couldn't go along being content with being fat.

While the Made to Crave study helped change my way of thinking about food, it wasn't having any real power in my physical health.  I realized that whenever I started a new diet or lifestyle change I would come up with a plan, then ask God to bless it.  That plan never worked well.  The only weight loss success I'd ever had was getting pregnant.  I lost about 30 pounds with Wrigley because I was terrified I would kill him if I gained weight.  So I decided to try something radical.  I was going to seek God's wisdom first then implement his plan.  On January 3rd, 2015 I spent 24 hours unplugged from the world and my regular life and spent the night in a friend's cabin devoting myself to prayer and fasting.  Here's how I described the event in a facebook post:

"Beginning at noon, I will be unplugging from the world and spending a day alone in prayer and fasting to fully immerse myself in God's wisdom.  I have had a lifelong struggle with my physical body.  For the first time in my life, I am going to remove all my preconceived ideas and Earthy wisdom of what I think I need to do and fully submit myself to God and his direction."

 Scrolling through the comments today, I can even see foreshadowing of events to come.  In the comments, my mom posted "...as you come out of your wilderness journey, do you have any truths to share..." and my dad commented "Most likely the answer you receive will be something like...'ask your dad what to do and then follow his advice.'"

There was so much God showed me during that 24 hours but the overwhelming message was: "I've got this.  Just don't quit."  This gave me great peace and hope, but was also a bit overwhelming because at this point I identified myself as a quitter.  I try things, but if I'm not good at it, I stop and focus on something I am good at doing.  Especially when it comes to food I felt powerless to resist it and that there was nothing I could do to change it.  I also had no idea what this looked like to live out.

Tune in next time to hear about how God used foster care to change my perception of myself and move me one step closer to where I am today.